She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
