Dual....:-)
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
