So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
