I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize