She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Sext me about skeletons
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
