She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
