Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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