my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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