just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
