Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
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