Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
