doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
