Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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