Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
