I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
