i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize