I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
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