She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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