No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
