The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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