I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
