Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
