Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
