We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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