So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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