I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
