I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
