Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
