I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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