After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
