I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
