$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
