I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
