Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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