I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
