Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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