I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
