You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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