True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
