do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
only if we run a train.
done.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
