So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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