You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
