sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
