the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
