So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
