thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
