Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
