I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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