Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
