does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
