oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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