Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
