Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Is Oprah even human
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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