so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
