If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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