so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
