Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Randomize
