i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
