How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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