So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
