My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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