So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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