I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize