I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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