I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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