hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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