Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
