I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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