the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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