I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
