Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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